I am constantly being inspired by something, or someone, or a bunch of things, or a bunch of people – I am constantly being inspired and it overwhelms me…
Sometimes I worry that it’s a bad thing. I am constantly being inspired by art, by architecture, by music, by a film, by writing, by other individuals who have reached a certain level of success in their lives that I can only dream about achieving. I am constantly being inspired and for some reason, it is weighing me down. Usually, when someone finds a passion in something, they decide that they are going to pursue it and act upon the instinct to achieve a goal that they have depicted they desire to accomplish, which then leads me to question what it is I am chasing, when in fact, I want to chase them all.
I want to write, I want to act, I want to sing and dance, I want to learn, I want to grow, and I want to do all the things in the world that my heart loves…
But I can’t. Because regardless of whether I believe dreams come true or not, all (approximately) 37 of my dreams cannot come true at this point in life. I can’t become an actor, a writer, a journalist, a lawyer and a psychologist all at once, despite nothing being impossible, I’m almost certain that attaining these paths in my life will definitely require a super-human ability in which, although I do want, do not have.
Nonetheless, although I struggle every second of everyday with this ongoing confusion that I am going to live a life of disappointment because I cannot do all the things that I want to do in life as career choices, does not mean I have to give them all up. Life is not about working (although it is a necessity of survival), I don’t have to be an actor to act, I don’t have to be a writer to write (that sounds strange, but you understand), I don’t have to necessarily know how to sing to be a singer and I don’t have to hold a degree of Psychology to portray a fascination in the way the mind works.
If there is one thing that I have gotten out of this torturous state of mind that I have placed myself in for many, many months – its that although I am lazy, I love to learn. I love to create. And I love life. I love life because I am given this opportunity to wake up in the morning, learn something new and create something out of it. And overall, isn’t that what life is about? It’s not about working – its about living. I use to wake up in the morning and be so upset that I was stuck in the suburbs rather than wake up to the view of the Hollywood sign outside my third story balcony, but then the question of whether or not I even wanted to wake up to the Hollywood sign because I LOVE LA, or because the idea of an actor having mansions and waking up to the stereotypical Hollywood sign in plain reach every morning was just something I was longing for.
I didn’t want to wake up to the view, heck, I could wake up to a brick wall in front of me and find it fascinating if it meant that I got to walk out and do what I loved doing. There are days when I decide that I don’t love anything at all, and those days are the ones that get me down the most because deep down I know that I want to do things, and it’s the fact that I don’t know how to get them done that deteriorates any good motivation that ever crossed my mind to begin with. It’s like when I’m writing a story and I have all these words that I wish I could get written down, despite them probably not being good enough whatsoever for anyone to read, and not making sense to anyone other than myself because there’s around 8 different topics all combined into 3 sentences – because my mind is wondering and I don’t know how to control it. But isn’t that beautiful?
Isn’t it wonderful that the mind is staying so continuously active that it can’t form a coherent thought, it can’t form a sentence that makes enough sense to be put onto paper so it stays in your minds and forms another sentence that latches on to create the most powerful paragraph about how much you love life. And how much you love to write. And act. And study. And grow. And live!
If only I could wake up with amnesia and forget about a lot of the things I want to be when I grow up.